Spider Slaying

Hello again.

My word, but it’s been a while. But I just had an adventure I have to share.

Kara has been asking to go out on the back porch intermittently for the past several days. My answer has always been “no.” Not because that’s my default response to anything she wants to do, but because I know that Shelob and her family have taken up residence on my back porch. We have sliding-glass patio doors. Shelob’s web takes up the entire left-hand side. We saw her in the flesh one evening when she scurried down from her lair to get a leaf out of her web. She is, in fact, a ginormous monster.

But today, I decided that I could do it—I could let Kara play on the porch. (Hey, in my workout videos, Coach Kozak always tells me that if I can finish his workout, I can do anything. So I chose to slay spiders.)

I opened the blinds and, stroke of luck! I thought I saw Shelob lurking in plain sight between the screen and the glass door.


I armed myself with a broom and a can of Raid and went out the front door and up the stairs to the porch. I aimed my long-distance weapon and sprayed the monster ’till he stopped moving. He couldn’t escape, trapped as he was. Mwa ha ha. While I made sure the big guy was dead, I sprayed the battalions of tiny eight-legs and eradicated their webs with my broom.

Feeling pretty safe now, I nonetheless used the broom to slide the screen door all the way over to finish getting the smaller webs and discovered, to my absolute terror, that the spider I thought was Shelob was a decoy! The dark goddess that haunts every arachnophobic’s dream showed herself. I screamed a war cry (a war cry, see, not a girly scream) and sprayed and sprayed and sprayed. I think she actually started disintegrating even before I started beating her still-twitching corpse with my broom.

I was victorious.

Now I can finally get to the Rubbermaid bin on the back porch and get it ready to house a pound of worms, but that’s another story for another day.


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